She crossed my mind again. The way her smile became the reason I breathed seemed so distant now. I knew from the start that it wouldn’t last, but I tried to con myself the best I could, thinking otherwise. My ignorance started to seep, young as I was, hysterically. Any form of resistance is futile, for I have made a thoughtless decision, opened up and fell short of everything she expected. It’s only a matter of time before every ineffectual word I’ve said will finally cave in on me.
This much I know, if my apologies will constantly be inadequate, what’s the sense of even uttering them? I’m cruel. Numb. Bemused. Fed-up. Apologetic. Frantic. Distressed. I’m aware of that. But did she know how much I regret the day I made my sentiment known? She would’ve been better off without me. What was in my mind when I told her she meant something to me, knowing that in the process, I’m thinking only of myself? Why did I even dare to bother her wonderful existence? I know she can never grant me forgiveness, but it’s the reprisal I must live with. It’s a mess, but a beautiful one at that.
Closing my eyes, I glimpse at her smile yet again, warm and inviting. It feels like it all just happened yesterday, though half a year has passed. How she used to hold part of my being. How she used to be the string that held my balloon heart, keeping me from floating astray. She used to be extraordinary, and in my opinion she still is, but I’ve changed. I fell out, let go. So long, my string, the instance has come for me to be free again. Time never mended broken hearts, who am I fooling? It’s acceptance that grants your release.
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